But what’s the real reason why men cheat? Is it really about the pursuit of sex or the thrill of the hunt, or is there something missing from their marriages that they are trying to find elsewhere? Or is it some void within themselves? Is sex enough, or do they need a relationship, too? Are they getting revenge on their spouses? Have their wives done something wrong, or are some men simply socialized to be unfaithful despite that wedding band on their finger? Are they trying to prove something to themselves? Searching for a new partner? Do they just want to have more than one woman? Or was there some emotional need they were trying to fulfill? The more I thought about the men I knew, the more I realized I knew almost nothing about this behavior that so many of them were engaging in.
As a society, it seems like we can’t stop talking about cheating. It’s a theme in countless movies, TV shows, songs, and novels. Forbidden sex is steamy, seedy, titillating cultural catnip. And it’s not just in the culture: go to any cocktail party, have a few drinks, and get deep into a one-on-one with someone who feels like he can trust you, and odds are he’s got a cheating story to tell, either about a friend, or abouttheir spouse, or about themselves. Most people think cheating is wrong, yet a lot of folks are doing it.
Having an affair fills every day with danger: one wrong move, one wrong word, and a cheater’s life might explode. No one wants to hurt his spouse. No one wants to lose his kids. No one wants to be the reason why his family fell apart. And yet people keep flocking to Cheatingland partly because the combination of lust and risk plugs a relationship into a high-voltage electric outlet. The person you’re not supposed to talk to, not supposed to be alone with, not supposed to be having sex with? That person can be insanely alluring precisely because she’s off-limits. Many people dismiss men who cheat as dogs and women who cheat as whores, but there must be more behind the choice to cheat than a simple lack of character or an animalistic desire for sex.
As my friends’ stories about cheating swirled around in my mind, I wondered if it was possible to get guys to talk to me in depth about what they’d done. At least ten married men I knew had confided that they’d cheated at some point, but this was mostly bragging. Could I get them to go deeper, to go beyond chest-beating stories about hotel conquests and get into honest explorations of their souls and the reasons why they had left home to play? I was a little nervous even to ask—I wanted guys to drop the façade, the bluster, the ego, and tell me things they probably hadn’t told anyone, admit to a serious relationship crime, and explain their actions and motives in detail. Adultery is not against the law, but admitting to it would be more dangerous than copping to many illegal activities. It’s one thing to whisper to a guy that you’re banging a chick behind your wife’s back. It’s quite another to tell a researcher who’s recording your voice that you’ve slept around during your marriage. But I was compelled to know why they had risked so much and what their deeper whys were.
Copyright © 2022 by Anonymous. From Cheatingland: The Secret Confessions of Men Who Stray by Anonymous. Reprinted by permission of Atria Books, a Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Cheatingland is available on Amazon and Bookshop.