Past attachment injuries have a deep impact on how difficult non-monogamy may or may not be for you. Jealousy is not petty. It’s a manifestation of how your past attachments have impacted you. If, as a child, you found out that one of your parents was unfaithful and this traumatized you, this is an attachment injury. If your first sweetheart lied to you, betrayed you, or cheated on you, these are also attachment injuries. Such injuries inform us. They tell us how safe the world is and how safe we are. If life has taught you that those closest to you will leave you, lie to you, and/or betray you, why would you ever consider non-monogamy? Why would you trust?
This is not to say that those with attachment injuries should not be non-monogamous. If you have chosen a loving, compassionate partner who communicates well and is willing to negotiate with you, corrective experiences—experiences that support you to heal because they mirror those damaging experiences from your past but have different, more positive outcomes—are possible.
For instance, imagine Bekah witnessed her father cheating on her mother and then Dad said, “Don’t tell your mother. It will be our little secret.” Then, in adulthood, Bekah marries Rob. They have a discussion about cheating and decide to try non-monogamy. During that discussion, Rob says to her, “I will never cheat on you. I want us to find a way to be partners in crime instead.” Non-monogamy may feel scary to Bekah, but the fact that Rob is clearly attempting to be honest with her is a corrective experience from how she witnessed her father operating.
The more you face the pain from your backstory, the more manageable your feelings of jealousy will become. But facing those messages must be done gently, with self-compassion and proper timing. Forcing yourself to face what triggers you too quickly or harshly can retraumatize you. Psychotherapy trauma modalities, like EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), can help heal what cannot be cleared on your own or via couples therapy. It is not something to simply rationalize through. If you use only intellect to power through your feelings, or if you try to box up your feelings, no true progress will be made.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter, I often hear clients say, “Why am I so jealous? Why am I so scared? I’m having panic attacks at night. Why is non-monogamy so easy for my partner?” When this happens, instead of giving them a pre-packaged answer, I’ll ask questions that lead me to their personal truth. Such an inquiry will go something like this: “Tell me about your backstory. In general, has your childhood and your life informed you that the world is safe—that people have your back and are honest? Or has it been your experience that you cannot trust loved ones, whether they are parents or partners?” Through this line of questioning, I find, people begin to see that they aren’t weak. They are simply affected by the pain from their past.
If you puncture a tire with a large knife, you don’t blame the tire’s integrity when it goes flat. And yet we expect people with a lot of pain in their backstory to be unaffected by that past trauma. Now, that’s delusional thinking, but it’s how our culture shapes us to think. This lack of self-compassion comes from an internalized message from our culture that says, “You should just get over it!” when in fact, it’s not that easy. When I have a person in my practice with a lot of attachment injuries, I tell them, “I know non-monogamy is way harder for you. That’s okay. It just means that you need to take it slower. You need to tell your partner when you’re scared, and not say yes to anything unless it’s a true yes.”
Excerpted from Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships. Copyright ©2022 By Kate Loree, LMFT. Reprinted with permission of She Writes Press. All rights reserved. Available for pre-order from Amazon.