I met a man in a bar last year who said, “I don’t know what to do. How do I know if a woman wants to have sex these days?”

This question baffled me. And I told him, “You ask.”

For such a simple answer, he was stunned. I was equally stunned when I heard his responses, and I wondered why this information wasn’t completely obvious to everyone.

Response #1: Won’t they be offended?

This one caught me off guard and I suddenly realized this man was playing out a scenario where he was running up to all women he knew and pestering them for sex. This is, in no way, appropriate. I wouldn’t have thought this was a problem for men to understand one way or the other.

When you are responsible adults who show affection and attraction to one another, it is not insane or rude to express your feelings. If you do it in a mature way, at the right time, and not just blurt out, “Yo, wanna f***?” then you’ll have a yes, or no.

If it is yes, congratulations for both of you. If it is no, don’t ask again. Don’t pester, don’t follow people to their car, text them at three in the morning, or make underhanded jokes about it.

Accept it and move on.

If you’re friends with the person, and you’re the type of person who simply can’t handle yourself, then break off the friendship. Or at least make sure the person is aware of the situation. It is not really fair to stay in a friendship secretly harboring feelings to launch at them someday, no matter how cute it looked in 90s rom-coms.

Response #2: Isn’t it awkward?

It can be. It is a risk that you take in these situations.

If you don’t know the person very well, then the awkwardness won’t last very long. But, here is the thing: we often project our own idiosyncrasies onto other people and blow them out of proportion.

In my experience, most people appreciate honesty and are mature enough to handle this.

Response #3: So, I just ask them to come home with me?

No. This is an awful misconception that is sadly still used as a legal defense in some countries.

Someone saying “yes” to going home with you is not them saying “yes” to having sex.

In many situations you might be kissing, clawing, playing, and so on the whole ride home and the question might never arise because the answer is clear (yes). Or you might get home and they’ve changed their mind, in which case the answer is again clear (no). And even if it seems like an absolute yes, you should still ask. No matter how hot and heavy a mood is, it is never killed by a quick:

“Do you wanna…”

or

“Should I get a condom?”

Response #4: Man, times have changed!

The thing is, they haven’t.

Asking someone if they want to have sex is not a new concept. Decent people have been doing it since the dawn of civilized society. This isn’t about a new app. It isn’t about a new liberal movement.

It has always been basic human decency and common sense.