TRIGGERED DURING SEX: HELPFUL PRACTICES
We can’t often predict precisely when we’ll feel triggered. But it can happen when we are feeling particularly relaxed, particularly stimulated/ excited, or we are experiencing a new level of care or safety.
This is why triggers can happen during our sexual encounters. It may seem counterintuitive, but in the aforementioned states, we are sometimes more aware of our bodies and so our bodies can read and relay signals more easily than when we are distracted. When we’re activated during sex, it’s not uncommon to feel unsure about the best steps to take. One of the first helpful steps you can take is knowing or reminding yourself that such flare-ups are not a sign of weakness.
They are an opportunity for you and your partner(s) to tend to your needs. Slowing down or pausing, utilizing a grounding exercise, and processing what you experienced with a loved one, therapist, or through journaling or other means of self-reflection once you’re no longer in an activated state can help tremendously. Keep in mind that you don’t have to reveal everything you’re going through and why as it’s happening. (In many cases, that’s not even possible.) Instead, simply request a break. Or use a predetermined safe word, such as “yellow” for “I need to slow down” or “red” for “stop.”
Because trauma reactions interfere with executive function, recalling what steps to take in the moment can be challenging. If you’re concerned that that may happen, consider keeping the following list, or items that especially strike you, nearby. Keep this book in your bedroom, for example, or take a photo of the list to keep on your phone. These grounding exercises can help by replacing that which felt triggering with calmness or relaxation. Take as long as you need with whatever practices you choose.
- Take slow, deep breaths, if you’re able. You could lead the breathing between you and a partner. Or, if needed or it feels helpful, a partner can lead the breathing and you can follow their breathing pattern.
- Squeeze your muscles as you do a mental scan of your body, from head to toe, doing your best to release any tension you notice.
- Wrap your arms around yourself and firmly hug your body. Close your eyes, if you wish, and really take the sensations and act of self-care in.
- Catch a lover’s gaze with your own. It can feel intimately soothing and melt away feelings of isolation that can crop up during activation. In other cases, eye contact may feel too intense. Choose the option that feels most comforting, knowing that you can stop (or start) any of these practices at any time.
- Stop the sex and/or move to another position or activity. Or continue in a different room or room area, if that feels comforting.
- Cuddle or just lay side by side. Do so as long as you desire.
- Place your hand on your heart or your partner’s heart. Observe the heartbeat.
- Apply a cool or warm towel to your skin. Keep one by the bed for such uses, if possible.
Excerpted from With Pleasure: Managing Trauma Triggers for More Vibrant Sex and Relationships, by August McLaughlin and Jamila Dawson, LMFT, courtesy of Chicago Review Press.
Hear August McLaughlin and Jamila Dawson speak on Saturday, February 11, 2023 at the Residence 11 Desire Summit on Sex and Relationships in Los Angeles and livestreaming worldwide. Get tickets here.
About the authors: August McLaughlin is a nationally recognized health and sexuality writer, trauma-informed certified sex educator, and host and producer of the podcast Girl Boner Radio. Her articles have been featured by Cosmopolitan, the Washington Post, Salon, HuffPost, LIVESTRONG.com, and more. She is the author of Girl Boner: The Good Girl’s Guide to Sexual Empowerment, featured in the New York Times, Health, and Shape. She has presented at colleges, recovery centers, and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention headquarters in Atlanta.
Jamila Dawson, LMFT is a licensed sex and relationship therapist, writer, and educator. She runs her private psychotherapy and consulting business, Fire & Flow Therapy, and teaches as adjunct faculty at Antioch University Los Angeles. She has lectured at the University of Southern California and AASECT Summer Institute, and collaborated with a variety of sex therapists and educators, as well as Buzzfeed, Playboy, Harper’s Bazaar, and other media outlets. She presents locally and nationally on sexuality, empowerment, BDSM/kink, pleasure, relationships, and trauma-informed/healing-
