Excerpted from The Modern Dating Workbook by Molly Burford. Copyright © 2021 by Molly Burford. Used by permission of the publisher. All rights reserved.
Tips for Putting Yourself Out There
Modern dating is tough. But there are some ways to make it a little easier and navigate the scene with a little more confidence, self-respect, and sanity. You don’t find your person immediately, in most cases, especially now. That’s okay. Enjoy the ride.
Cultivate an Authentic Dating Style
It’s important to keep in mind that one person’s dating life will always look different than someone else’s. As well, what you want at one time might look different later. You might decide you just want to date casually for a while after a nasty breakup. Or you’re finally ready to seek out the real deal. Self-awareness and honesty are key in determining what kind of dating life makes sense for you.
Check in with yourself often. Ask yourself how you’re feeling, what you’re struggling with, who you’ve vibed with and didn’t. Consider what’s going right and which parts of your dating life need more attention. Be authentic, behave according to your values, ask for what you need. Love will fall into place one day if you do that.
Don’t Overthink Your Way Into Canceling
Most people have been there. Sometimes, you might cancel before even giving love a chance because it’s a way to protect yourself. After all, you can’t be rejected if you never show up to try. You can’t be disappointed if you didn’t get your hopes up in the first place. You can’t feel pain if you never took the L.
Unless you’re getting weird vibes from someone who makes you feel unsafe, always go on the date if you’re into it. Stop letting fear hold you back. Stop allowing what could go wrong prevent something from going so very right. It’s just a date. Keep that in mind, and let those shoulders relax a bit.
Stay Relaxed
While everyone is different in their dating styles and what they want at
a particular moment in their life, there are some universal experiences when it comes to first dates, one being hella nerves. Most people are going feel a little apprehension before a first date. That’s totally normal, BTW, but it can be helpful to calm yourself down a bit. Some ways to do this include:
Instead of asking yourself what could go wrong, ask yourself what could go right
Listen to a pump-up playlist (see the section If Confidence Was a Song, Which One Would It Be? for more on this)
Remember, you’re there to connect, not convince
Acknowledge your nerves, and then remind yourself all is well; it’s just a date, not a trial of your self-worth
Listen to your instincts
Be curious, above all else
Call a friend before to remind you of the badass you are
Read Reddit threads about first dates to feel less alone in your jitters
Ultimately, you’re probably always going to feel a little nervous before meeting up with someone new. That’s okay. Don’t let the fear control your behavior. Rather, let it be your hope.
Make Your Own Dating Rules
But what does that mean exactly? It means taking control of your love life. It means owning what you want. It means respecting yourself. It means setting boundaries with others and with yourself. For example: “I will not tolerate disrespect.”
It’s not carefully timing your texts to seem super mysterious. It’s responding when you have time. It’s making the first move, even if it’s uncomfortable. It’s letting someone know you like them when it’s appropriate and not waiting until you are completely up in your head about it.
Basically, it’s creating your own standards. It’s refusing to mess with others’ heads and refusing to let others mess with your heart. Speak up. Show up. Be present.
Hot is a Mindset and So Are You!
Research has shown that the more confident someone appears, the more attractive they seem. Not feeling so confident, though? That’s okay, you’re still hot; you just need to remind yourself of everything you have going for you.
This goes beyond looks, though. This is really what’s skin-deep. Stop focusing so much on what the mirror shows. Rather, focus on what vibe you’re giving off. How kind you are. How warm you are. How you always try to do the right thing and try to make up for it when you do get it wrong. How you are a little quirky and that’s what makes you interesting.
Basically, own your s**t. Be who you are. Accept what you are and embrace a growth mindset. These things all contribute to confidence. But if you need a few more action items, here are some tips.
Throw Away Your “Type”
This isn’t about having no standards or general understanding about what you want from another person romantically. But being inflexible about what you want is guaranteed to keep you in a loop, potentially repeating the same dating problems over and over. Dating experts warn while it’s fine to look for certain qualities in a partner, becoming rigid about the type of person you’ll date can end up boxing you in.
In fact, letting yourself date someone who isn’t your usual “type” can actually have a slew of benefits, including greater empathy, a new perspective, a new skill set, maybe even a new partner.
Disrespect Is their Problem, Not Yours
An important reminder: Disrespect says everything about them and nothing about you.
If someone treats you like crap, that is their issue. Truly. Of course, it’s easy to turn to self-blame when someone you’re really into hurts you. After all, if you can rationalize it as something you did, you can either A. fix it or B. feel a sense of control in future scenarios.
You have the right to stick up for yourself. You’re not overreacting by letting someone know when they’ve crossed a line. You’re not “sensitive” or asking for too much. But if you share your truth and you’re met with pushback? Then you’re asking the wrong person. Let them go.
Swipe left on disrespect. Choose kindness and care. You deserve that much (and more).
Some People Are Just a Dinner Date, and That’s Okay
Some people are just in your life for an evening. And that’s okay. Seriously, it really is okay. And here’s why: Sometimes, a date is just a date. Sometimes, even if you have fun, you only get to enjoy someone for an evening. But there is still something to be valued from these types of experiences. You can walk away with a new perspective on life. A laugh. A great time. A damn good meal. A new favorite drink. New music recommendations. Maybe even some more confidence.
Just because someone isn’t made for longevity doesn’t mean they don’t teach you something. It doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy them for what they were, when they were. Appreciate the outing. Thank them for their company. Wish them well. Go your separate ways. Be glad you went.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Basically, nothing you do is as embarrassing as you may think. No one is thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about you; the truth is, they’re thinking about themselves. What a relief, eh? This is not to say be a complete weirdo since it’ll be forgotten. It just means don’t worry so much if you think you say or do something a little awkward.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. It’s not worth it.
Stop Overthinking
Overthinking—it’s kind of the worst. For some of us, it’s particularly grueling when it comes to finding an S.O.. Luckily, there are some pretty telltale signs that you’re overthinking (and how to stop). For example:
You’re projecting old pain on a new situation.
You are feeling totally frantic.
You’re focusing on the feelings, not the facts.
You’re meddling in the what-ifs.
You’re replaying something that’s already happened over and over and over and over again.
These are typical signs you’re overthinking something.
Here are some general points for when you’re spiraling:
You can’t control what’s already happened. Damage control, in most cases, is a myth.
Remember other people get nervous too.
Most of the time, things aren’t as personal as they feel. Everyone has pain you’ll never know about. History won’t always repeat itself.
Overthinking happens to the best of us, and it’s easy to do in situations in which we feel vulnerable, like dating. However, it can totally derail what could be a fun experience. Learning to recognize when you’re overthinking versus actually assessing a situation will be helpful in learning how to stop and reroute.
Address the Red Flags
There are some definite red flags to look out for in a relationship. According to Healthline.com, controlling behaviors, disrespect for boundaries, not enough time together, unequal feelings, and unkind communication are all sure signs a relationship or situationship is unhealthy and not likely to last.
Some things, such as communicating boundaries or sticking up for yourself, can be worked on. There is certain behavior you should absolutely, 100 percent never f***ing tolerate, including any type of abuse.
And if someone you’re dating apologizes for bad behavior but then continues to do said bad behavior, that’s not good enough. Sorry without change is merely manipulation. That’s not someone you want in your life, let alone someone to date.
Red flags can be difficult to address, but in the end, identifying them will save you a lot of pain and long-term agony. Recognizing signs early on that someone might not be a good fit for you is important. Be honest, direct, and brave enough to walk away when it’s time. Have your own back. Don’t tolerate less than what you deserve.
The Modern Dating Workbook is available from Amazon or Bookshop.
