There are many different types of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, depending on your relationship style and needs. Kitchen table polyamory is one type, which many polyamorous people are drawn to, while others have reservations about it.
What is kitchen table polyamory? According to writer Jess Mahler, kitchen table polyamory means “poly relationships where everyone in the polycule is comfortable sitting together at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.” Mahler goes on to say that “Folks who prefer kitchen table polyamory want to know their metamours and be friends with them.” In other words, it means that if you are in a relationship with Partner A, and they’re in a relationship with Partner B, you and Partner B are not simply strangers connected via Partner A, but someone who is okay with or even wants to be friendly with Partner B. To what degree that friendship plays out is up to each individual relationship.
Not everyone involved in a polycule, however, prefers this type of interaction. Ferrett Steinmetz wrote that their preference isn’t kitchen table polyamory, but instead “have a beer with” polyamory, the kind where, in their words, “I want to be able to belly up to the bar with my sweeties’ sweeties, have an amiable chat, tip the hat when I see them in public.”
On a May 2021 episode of the Multiamory Podcast exploring different types of polyamorous relationships, writer and relationship coach Dedeker Winston, author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to Monogamy: Everything You Need to Know About Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Alternative Love, said there’s been an expansion from the initial idea of kitchen table polyamory involving a literal kitchen table. Of this relationship style, Winston said, “I think this also usually tends to imply, again as you get into higher levels of entwinement, metamours may be intentionally forging independent friendships. Maybe this is metamours who are quite happy to go have a beer together without their partner there, or happy to play video games together without their partner there or something like that, that there’s more levels of entwinement between metamours themselves.”
According to personal coach Paula Schneider, kitchen table polyamory is best suited for certain personality types, including people “who have high tolerance for those who might not have a lot in common with them” as well as”people with very high emotional awareness.” Schneider also believes that kitchen table poly will work for “groups of people who are unafraid to say anything they need to say to anyone else in the group without fear of hurting that person” and “people who are very honest, secure within themselves, and who also know that they have strong relationships” within their polycule.
One polyamorous Reddit user described their approach to kitchen table polyamory as “acting like all the partners were family and would hang out like family. If it was Tuesday and someone wanted to come over and eat dinner and watch a movie, it wasn’t a big deal. Just instead of 2 people on the couch it was 3-4. Just living life together as a larger extended-family unit even if we didn’t all live together.”
An alternative to kitchen table polyamory is known as parallel polyamory, which writer Laura Doyle defines parallel polyamory as “[a]style of polyamorous relationship in which each individual relationship exists largely independent of either partner’s additional romantic or sexual relationships, and in which there is not an intentional focus on entwining the relationship network. There may be close relationships between some metamours or telemours, but there is no requirement for this and there may be low or no contact between some members of the larger relationship network.”
Since each relationship or set of relationships is different, there’s no one-size-fits-all way of being polyamorous that will work for everyone; approaches to polyamory may change over time, or as the partners involved grow and change. Whether or not kitchen table polyamory is right for you, it’s one option among many to consider.
Deciding on which polyamory style, if any, works for you, is something you will likely have to use trial and error to figure out. Check out Polyamory Today to learn more about the different types of polyamorous relationships to help you explore which one might be best for your life.
More polyamory and relationship terms to know: